“Don’t be a wussy”… “Man up” … “Real men don’t cry”…

These are phrases I encounter all too frequently as a man.

The societal expectation is clear: be brave, resilient, and dominant – embody a sense of machismo – even when these qualities don’t resonate with my inner feelings. Why? Because these attributes are deemed essential for men. They epitomize the traits that define “masculinity.”

Nonetheless, I contend that the fundamental construct of modern masculinity, as perceived by today’s society, is inherently flawed, and I would argue, even perilous.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH), in 2018, the United States witnessed 48,344 suicides. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reported that during the same year, men accounted for 72% of these cases, dying by suicide at a rate 3.56 times higher than women.

The gendered disparity in suicide rates not only represents a statistical anomaly but also underscores a broader societal crisis. I posit that the core catalyst for this crisis is the unrealistic standard imposed on men to adhere to a narrow concept of “masculinity.”

Human beings are intricate creatures, shaped by complex psychological and emotional facets. Our conscious and subconscious behaviors, coupled with our childhood experiences and societal aspirations, intricately interweave to create multifaceted emotional needs. However, the prevailing mode of modern masculinity often presents a dichotomy between vulnerability, emotion, and apprehension on one side, and fearlessness and toughness on the other. Unfortunately, the latter often takes precedence.

The prevailing notion of masculinity mandates that men project an image of strength, composure, and restraint – even when grappling with feelings of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, or fear. This pressure coerces men to adopt an impersonal and detached facade that conceals their insecurities. It pushes them to bury their true emotions to evade shame, censure, or the risk of being labeled unmanly. Consequently, from an early age, men are deprived of opportunities to express themselves authentically and emotionally.

The contemporary repercussions of confining men within this emotional straitjacket are undeniably dire. Instances of rejection, isolation, and solitude become inevitable when men are compelled to hide behind a façade that obscures their authentic selves – a façade of manufactured masculinity.

Yet, I posit that genuine masculinity takes a different form.

Vulnerability should not be pitted against courage, but should coexist with it in a healthy manner. In my Orthodox Jewish-Persian upbringing, my father instilled in me a definition of masculinity rooted in different values. For him, masculinity transcended the number of muscles one possessed or the dominance one exerted. True masculinity lay in the capacity to empathize and care for a partner, in the ability to foster and support a family, and in the willingness to make sacrifices for their well-being. To be masculine meant treating others with respect, conducting oneself with integrity and compassion even in the face of undeserving circumstances. True masculinity equated to forging genuine and profound relationships. It encompassed the courage to confide in friends and family about personal insecurities and vulnerabilities. Authentic masculinity thrived in the expression of one’s self in a manner authentic to them, disregarding societal expectations.